Fair warning, this post may upset you or piss you off.

Keep in mind it is my opinions. Nothing more.

What do opinions matter anyway??

Recently I have come to view death in a different light.

Here is some background, 

I lost my grandmother when I was 3 years old, 

my dog when I was 12 years old, 

my cousin when I was 13 years old, 

my grandfather when I was 13 years old, 

my cat when I was 18 years old, 

my cousin when I was 20 years old,

my cousin when I was 25 years old, 

a former father figure when I was 26 years old, 

my cousin when I was 26 years old, 

my cousin today at 27 years old,

 and so many others.

Let's just say I really know loss.

This time around I had my normal feelings of sadness, loss, and grief.

I cried a few nights.

I was upset.

Then I got to thinking.

What am I really upset about?

Am I selfish to feel upset?

And yes, I think I am.

Hear me out.

When it comes to grief, I think it can almost be viewed as selfish.

What is it that is causing me pain?

It is the fact that I will no longer be able to physically connect with that person.

I can't reach out for a hug or just spend time with them hanging out.

I am sad because this person is no longer here for me to physically connect with.

The flip side is he is no longer here to suffer.

And that is the key.

Making this personal, my cousin is no longer here feeling pain.

He no longer has to be here.

So shouldn't I be happy?

Shouldn't I feel relief his pain is over?

Shouldn't I be glad he is no longer in a hospital bed?

Shouldn't I be happy for the time I was able to spend with him?

Internally it is quite a pull between two emotions.

The feelings of grief are real and they should be experienced.

Losing someone is sad.

But this idea of them being out of pain feels so good.

The idea of it makes me smile.

I want him to be in a good place and no longer suffering.

Here is another idea and clearly this is all opinions 

and my beliefs may be different than yours.

No judging. Just agree to disagree.

If I was to say you can still talk to the person you lost, 

connect with them, hang out with them in your dreams, 

would it make you feel better?

If someone told 18-year-old Khrystle this I would probably be like ya okay ... sure. 

I'll wait for the day until that happens.

But over the years I have experienced this numerous times.

Certain nights I will go to bed wanting to be with someone who

is no longer here and they are in my dream that night. 

Sometimes the dream with them is so good that 

if I wake up I try to go back to sleep to get back to that dream.

I am sharing the dream part in case you want to give it a try and see.

I know how much loss can hurt.

I am hoping this could be something that helps you.

Ultimately, I truly believe we decide when we want to leave this earth.

So how can I be sad about the decision someone else made?