It No Longer Matters

by - 1/20/2016

I wrote the poem above in college for poetry class.
For years I have always been obsessed with eyes.

To me the eye is a window.
It is like looking into someone's soul.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone can see what I feel through my eyes.
Can you see it?
The sadness overwhelming inside of me spilling out with each drop staining my cheeks.

Last week I learned someone who I once called 'father' was extremely ill.
I was advised to send a text message. 
What do you say? What are the perfect words, especially if they are the last?

I had to dig deep.
This 'father' figure hurt me years ago.
He cheated on my mom and left us. The pain.
I still remember the night we learned he was leaving.
At the time I considered him my new Dad. It hurt.
I ended up equating him to my own dad. Another person to leave me.

So for years I simply forgot his presence in my life.
I knew he was there, but I didn't want to remember him.
At this point, it almost doesn't matter that he was once there.
Life moved on without him.

But this text message that I had to send brought it all up again.
The memories. The pain. The sadness. The loss.

Slowly, I realized he actually was really good to me.
He was there when I needed/asked him to be.
He gave me things my own father couldn't and wouldn't.
Even after he left he would still be around if I called him.
Some of my best memories from growing up were with him.
He introduced me to new experiences ie. cutting down a Christmas tree.
A trip to Disney and Key West, Florida.
An indoor pool birthday party.
We moved out of an apartment to a gigantic house because of him.
Most importantly he gave me the best pet ever, a cat named Tormay and a dog named Grace.
He wasn't all that bad.

After working through my conflicted emotions, I drafted what I felt to be a good enough text message and sent it along.
Radio silence.

All week I had a hard time sleeping.
I made up my mind, Saturday I would go with my mom to see him.
He was eager to see me.

When we first got there he was sleeping. 
I was sitting directly across from him and he looked awful.
A nurse came in and started poking around his arms trying to take blood.
Every single place she tried was completely dry.
She started sticking his skin and ahhha he awoke dazed, confused, scared and in pain.

Somehow I ended up being the one to hold his hand and try to distract him as she searched for gold throughout his left arm.
At that moment it became even more clear that however I previously felt no longer mattered.
I couldn't be mad at him or give him attitude or try to make him feel bad for his past actions.
It no longer mattered.

He was in so much pain and was so scared. He had an oxygen mask on so he couldn't talk.
His eyes. The look in his eyes. I wish I could make the pain stop.
He was suffering and any ill feelings I once had were gone.

What a realization. 
I could have saved myself years of agony if I just let those feelings go a long time ago. 
It no longer matters. 
He was clearly dying in front of me and all I could give him was love.

What a lesson.
There is absolutely no reason to hold on tight to hurt feelings.

Now, I am working on this with my own Dad.
Letting all those feelings of hurt go.
They don't serve me or make our relationship better or different.
If my dad was dying in front of me I would also just show him love with hopes to just help give him what he needs.

I'm grateful I had a chance to see him again before he left.
I kissed his cheek twice.
I told him he was always my second father and he was good to me.
He expressed his love and thanks.
Everything between us is good.

I'm going to miss him always remembering my birthday. 
My own dad doesn't do that now.

As much as I have tried to forget, he really did play a large part in my young life.
I will continue to cherish those memories.
I am sad to lose the earthly connection I had with him.
Just glad he is no longer suffering.

Sweet dreams Roger.

R.I.P  1.19.16

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