I Overdid It

by - 9/14/2016

For me being disciplined can be a daily battle.
Especially when I feel like I want to give myself a 'treat' after work.
Most of my summer was long work weeks.
So almost every weekend I was looking to splurge on 
Ritas Italian Ice or Bubble Tea.
And then I found out about 
Baby Cakes, Moo's Choco Choc and Terra Sweet Potato chips.

When we went on vacation, I started using sugar to help keep myself awake.
(We drove 2000 miles in 3 days.)
I had 2 Starbucks drinks on the trip;
1x Green Tea Latte with Coconut Milk Cold
1x Green Tea Latte with Coconut Milk Hot

I learned that my stomach could handle Starbucks.
I have had 2 more drinks in the last 2 weeks home! Eek!

Besides that I have over indulged in Baby Cakes 
(which I learned is made of corn, so I shouldn't be eating it).

I bought these bad boys the other night.
Luckily, I only liked the chocolate and threw out some of the other two flavors.

Moo's Choco Choc Mini Cupcakes
[Baby Cakes aka Erin McKenna's Bakery & Moo's Choco Cho are both gluten, dairy, soy, and egg free]

At the end of it all, I feel like crap.
I am waking up every morning sneezing and stuffy.
I am starting to feel a little more sluggish.
My stomach actually hurts again.
It hurts how it used to - before and after I eat.
The pain kind of feels like a knot in my stomach.

Regardless. It is uncomfortable and I know I have messed up.
My body is screaming at me that it is unhappy.

But all I want is sugar, gluten free desserts, chips, etc.
The mental game is what is really getting to me right now.
I don't even know if I really want those foods.
I just think I want them.

The cravings are definitely more emotional than anything else I'd say.
I am figuring out what I need to fulfill on an emotional level.
The more I resist the cravings, the more I figure out.
At least that is what I like to believe.

On another note.
Yesterday it hit me again how many food items I can't eat.
I am allergic to so many things.
The feeling is overwhelming at times.
I want to just cry.
It feels so challenging.

When I am out and about I look around and realize 
there are so few places I can buy food.
The majority of the world does not cater to people like me.
Everywhere is full of gluten and sugar.
Soy is in everything.
Dairy is included in most meals on menus.
Of course I can ask for people to alter my meal, but I never wanted to be one of those people.
Reality is I am one of those people.
I shouldn't be eating out.

So the weather is changing and people are promoting
pumpkin spice everything and apples are in season.
And I am upset at the fact I am allergic to apples and pumpkin.
Apple pie is one of my favorite desserts!
Especially how my mom makes it. She reduces the sugar and makes it with so much love.
I throw a scoop of ice cream on top and BAM!
That won't be happening this year at Thanksgiving.

I tend to go back and forth on these thoughts.
Parts of me feel sad and upset.
Annoyed that I can't make bone broth with apple cider vinegar
 and now have to try a new recipe.
Sad that I can't eat so many foods.
Upset at the reality of my gut and my health.
Angry that I allowed my self to indulge so much.
Tired of waking up feeling sick.

All of that equates to a deep sadness in me.
A loneliness that most people don't understand.

To be so limited and disciplined with your diet and exist around people who are not is a true test.
And when people don't understand or question you, it just makes it worse.
If I could eat those foods I would.

Of course I have a choice.
I could continue to eat foods that make me feel sick.
What will happen is I will feel crappy and it will get worse.

For me it is not worth it.
I like to believe that this is all temporary.
It is this idea that snaps me back into better spirits.
This limited diet is just for now.
It has to be and I need to be strict in order to heal.
Once I heal, things may change.
But I won't heal if I treat my body poorly and feed it foods it doesn't like.

Here is a list of the foods I avoid due to allergies.
Foods to Avoid
Lima Bean
Brussel Sprouts
Navy Bean

Cottonseed Oil


Canola Oil


Beet Sugar
Green Bean



Hawaiian Papaya





Crookneck Squash

I am proud that in the past few weeks I have been very good 
about avoiding certain things like
gluten, dairy,  and basically every food item on the list above.

I may have had some soy if it was made in food that I bought out.
Soy is a super sneaky ingredient hidden in almost everything.
Even brown rice at Moe's Southwest!

I don't miss gluten or dairy.
With all the alternative products, it is like who needs them.

Hopefully one day I will be able to have some of the other foods on the list.
Especially strawberries, banana and cucumber.
I think it can happen.
People say it is possible.

I just need to keep my eye on the prize.
Focus on healing.
It is a process that will take time.

I am hoping getting these words down
will somehow help me let go just a little to my cravings and feelings.
THANK YOU for reading this long personal rant.

If you are able to relate to any of this, please leave a comment!

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